R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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