when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
