I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I think I am morally bankrupt
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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