Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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