if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
