i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize