Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
