youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
