Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
