I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
