I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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