When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
