My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
