I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
