I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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