we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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