Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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