you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
