i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
