Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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