If that was your dad, he is hot
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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