Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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