I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.