she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
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Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.