I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK