I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
