Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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