I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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