took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
