I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian