I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The beer is more important than you right now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
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So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles