flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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