It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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