it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
