You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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