allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
