I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Congratulations! We have a period
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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