I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
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The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude