i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
