walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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