Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
