Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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