You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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