I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
When are your genitals available?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
