Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
