Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
