i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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