there's paper in my vomit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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