He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
