My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
