My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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