Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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