I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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