Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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