my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
