Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
