im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Randomize
